33 Weeks

Bebs: This week Bebs weighs a little over 4 pounds (like a pineapple) and has passed the 17-inch mark. She's rapidly losing that wrinkled, alien look and her skeleton is hardening. The bones in her skull aren't fused together, which allows them to move and slightly overlap, thus making it easier for her to fit through the birth canal. (The pressure on the head during birth is so intense that many babies are born with a conehead-like appearance.) These bones don't entirely fuse until early adulthood, so they can grow as her brain and other tissue expands during infancy and childhood.

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This post is not meant to offend; it's meant to be funny. Maybe you don't want to read ahead if you're either grossed out by bodily functions or do not understand my immature sense of humor, lol.

Obviously I am overjoyed that I am pregnant and absolutely cannot wait until we welcome our little girl into the world. However, I've been feeling a bit "angsty" lately and wanted to vent out some frustrations. ;)

What I *Strongly Dislike* About Being Pregnant, Third Trimester Edition

In no particular order...

1. Charlie Horses. I've had a charlie horse that gallops from calf to calf literally every morning around 3:30 a.m. It comes without rhyme or reason. Out of nowhere I wake up with severe pain in one of my calves. It literally feels like the muscle has ripped off the bone and curled itself into a little ball. I stretch and flex my leg, rub it furiously, curse, and then go back to bed with a burning sensation in my leg. The last time it happened I said to Jason that I was sure contractions would hurt less than this. Bonus point--the first few times it happened I woke up screaming and scared the crap out of Hubs.

2. Round Ligament Pain. It feels like your worst period cramp multiplied by about 50. Thankfully these seem to have subsided, but were once worrisome and painful enough that it warranted a trip to the Labor and Delivery unit. While in the L & D unit, I received the most painful gynecological exam of my life, so that just doubled the fun quotient of experiencing the round ligament pain.

3. Constipation. Yes, I went there. This is a very weird one for me. For someone who has had GI issues her entire life and has dealt with IBS flare-ups daily...it is a crazy sensation to be "backed up." Honestly, I'm not sure which is worse! I can tell you that I rejoice every time I'm able to go to the bathroom now.

4. Weight Gain. Dumb, right? Obviously I need to gain weight and Bebs needs to gain weight so that we are both healthy during this time. My brain understands that. It really does. My eyes, however, do not comprehend this. Every time I get out of the shower and stare (yes, I do a bug-eyed stare-down) at myself in the mirror, I can't believe it.

Again, my brain says, "Um, Heather? You know you're pregnant right? And that most likely the baby will weigh between 6 and 8 pounds? You are creating a human being. Shut up and get over yourself." Thank you, Brain. Good-bye size 2 skinny jeans...Hello wearing Jason's sweatpants.

I did tell Jason, upon learning that I gained 2.8 lbs in one week, that we were only eating salads from now on. (I literally just scarfed down an oatmeal creme pie so fast, I nearly ate the wrapper.)

5. Pee. My bladder is roughly the size of the head of a pin. I take a sip of water, I need to pee two minutes later. It is especially convenient to wake up 2-3 times in the middle of the night because I desperately need to pee less than an ounce. >.<

6. Inability to Bend. Do me a favor; strap a basketball around your waist, under your shirt and then try to do any of the following, while bending at the waist:  putting on socks, tying your shoes, putting on pants, picking anything off of the floor, unloading the dishwasher, unloading the dryer and my personal favorite, shaving your legs. It's going to be a fuzzy December and January.

7. Baby Movement. This one is a little tricky. I absolutely LOVE feeling the baby move. It's all those things you'd imagine it would and should be--it's miraculous. I loved when I was feeling little flutters that only I could feel. For example, whenever I'd eat strawberries over the summer, I'd get a fluttery sensation that was a secret just between me and the baby. Then when I started getting legitimate kicks, Jason and I were in pure awe. "Is that a foot? A hand? Her head?" Seeing people's faces the first time they felt the baby is forever burned into my brain:  Jason had the biggest smile, Schlupp's eyes almost popped out of her head, Jess screamed in excitement.

Now, however? Now it feels like a mini Mack truck is driving through my ribs. Incredibly thankful she's moving and grooving in there, but I'd be remiss if I said it wasn't getting a tad uncomfortable. Sorry Bebs.

8. Fatigue. Here is my typical day:  I wake up at 5 am, work from 6:30 am to 4:30 pm, get home by 5:30 to make dinner and let Dex out, eat dinner, nap on the couch from about 7 to 9 pm, and then go up to bed to wake up 2-3 times during the night to either pee or rub my charlie horse-infested legs. And then it's 5 am again before I know it. I'm exhausted just typing that all out.

9. Sleeping. You'd think since I'm so tired all day that I'd be able to sleep. Nope! I cannot get comfortable in bed to save my life....and when I am finally as comfortable as I'm going to get....I need to pee. It's a viscious cycle. All the pillows in the world couldn't help me now.

10. "Uncomfortable-ness." Again, strap the basketball to your waist, tie a rope around your ribs as tight as you can, throw in the urge to pee, violent kicks to your ribs and sides, a burning sensation in your chest and throat and a dash of irritability...and there you go! You're 33 weeks pregnant!

11. Clothes. I'm certainly no Carrie Bradshaw, but I do enjoying dressing nicely and as fashionably as I'm able. I am BEYOND thankful that Christi and Tara have lent me their maternity clothes, which are very cute. :) However, I then look in my closet at my pre-pregnancy clothes and feel a little sad. And then I get really sad thinking that they will never, ever fit me again. For this very reason, all of the drawers in my dresser are empty. I have one drawer filled with my panties and bras and another drawer filled with maternity yoga pants and my "big" tee-shirts that no longer fit. I can't handle having all my other clothes in there. Weird, I know.

12. Acid Reflux/Heartburn/Nausea? I've never had any issues with acid reflux before. It sucks; there's no other way to describe it. I will usually eat or drink something that irritates it. Then I feel a burning sensation in the middle of my chest, followed by a lump in my throat that feels like vomit. Next I either chew Tums (fruit flavored chalk) or drink this antacid liquid (chalk flavored liquid chalk).

13. Ugly Duckling. This kinda goes hand-in-hand with the weight gain one. My body is not my own anymore. I don't feel like myself. Or rather, I feel like a new version of myself...that I don't really know yet? Does that make sense? Embarassing to admit, but I don't really feel attractive, despite everyone telling me I'm "glowing." I just want the baby to be healthy and continue growing...and then I want my body back.

14. Loss of Independence. Some things are physically impossible to do by myself now. Or to do them by myself takes about twice as long and is half as effective. I can't even pick Dexter up anymore.

15. Good-bye Booze. It really wasn't a huge issue for me to give up alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic or a booze-hound or anything! I definitely like to have a good time at a party, but I hardly ever came home from work and "needed" (or wanted) a glass of wine or a beer or anything. It does kind of stink to go to a party and not be able to drink while your friends are...however, I'm pretty sure we all wake up the following morning feeling the same--exhausted, somewhat nauseous, and uncomfortable with a slight touch of heartburn, and looking like an ugly duckling. ;)